BRIAN MAY HATES ANIMALS PART 5: TEARS OF A GIANT SNAIL

May poses nonchalantly with his victim in the only publicly released photo of the execrable axeman and his enormous Gastropod.

REPULSIVE ROCKER/AMATEUR ASTROPHYSICIST " DR." BRIAN H. MAY, C.B.E JUST CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF TORMENTING INNOCENT WOODLAND CREATURES!

FIRST, WE THINK YOU SHOULD LEARNED OF THE HEAVY EXPERIMENTATION AND ALLEGED HYBRIDIZATION OF UNKNOWN CREATURES IN MAY'S BASEMENT LABORATORY. NEXT, WE BLEW THE LID OFF MAY'S INVOLVEMENT IN THE GREAT DODO MASSACRE ON MAURITIUS. LATER ON WE WOULD NOT ONLY EXPOSE MAY'S VITRIOLIC HATRED OF BOVINE AND APPARENT DISMISSAL OF COWS AS AN ANIMAL, BUT ALSO REVEAL THE ESOTERIC EXPLANATION OF MAY'S BORDERLINE-OBSESSIVE LOVE OF BADGERS. NOW, IN AN UNSURPRISING BUT STILL BONE-CHILLING DISCLOSURE, ANONYMOUS SOURCES HAVE COME FORWARD TO WTYS WITH A HARROWING TALE OF MAY'S BRIEF ENSLAVEMENT OF A ONE-OF-A-KIND MAN-SIZED SNAIL.

"This happened back in '92 or '93. I'm not sure how May acquired the enormous shelled beast, but I'll never forget my encounter with it. I was doing some work in May's lab...let me tell you, it's not something I'm proud of. As a young medical student, I thought it would be good for my career. I never imagined it would be so mentally damaging I would end up thousands of pounds in debt from psychiatric bills, but I digress. Anyway, I was cleaning up my lab station, preparing to leave for the day when I noticed a loud metallic rattling sound coming from one of the dungeon chambers. I cautiously approached the area where the noise was coming from...and was stunned by what I saw.

There before me was an enormous snail, probably weighing several hundred pounds, entrapped in a large copper cage. The creature, which, oddly, was saddled, had a look of intense pain in its eyes and was being jerked around the cage - for good reason. Copper gives snails an electrical shock upon contact! What kind of a sick mind would do such a thing? I looked frantically for the cage door and found it was heavily padlocked. The shelled giant let out a pitiful moan, which startled me. I ran away from the scene. I couldn't bear the fact that I could do nothing to save the animal.

I was never able to return to work for May after that incident, which was only the cherry atop a huge sundae of fucked-up. A colleague of mine remained employed in the lab, however, and later told me how May would put the sizable garden pest to work in the salt mines, whereupon he would gleefully watch the snail shrivel in pain. This colleague also was eyewitness to the pitiful creature being brutally and repeatedly kicked in the snout and shell by May, who supposedly wore steel-toed stiletto boots for the occasion. I also heard rumours that May became extremely infuriated after the snail proved itself too slow for a proper enactment of 'A Most Dangerous Game'. The brutal aftermath of that incident is too sickening for me to retell.

I'm not sure about the snail's current whereabouts, but the popular story is that it was confiscated by US government officials for reasons unknown. Apparently, a maid saw it being loaded into an unmarked tractor trailer by men in black suits and sunglasses. Who knows what fate befell the gentle giant at the hands of the shadow government. The whole thing just makes me sick."


TAGS:  BRIAN MAY HATES ANIMALS PARTS ONE THROUGH A BILLION, THE GIANT SNAIL, SECRET DUNGEON LABORATORIES, DISGRUNTLED EMPLOYEES, GASTROPODS OF ENORMOUS SIZE, MYTHICAL CREATURES, HYBRID LAB ANIMALS, THE MAID SAW IT ALL, POODLE-PERMED SATANISTS, RICH UNCLE EYEBAGS, DODO SLAUGHTER, BADGER BLATHERSKITE, ANONYMOUS SOURCES, WTYS EXCLUSIVES, HARROWING TALES, MEN IN BLACK, MINI TERRORARIUM, SHOCK TORTURE, HOW TO KILL SNAILS, KEEPING BLUE WHALES IN TEN GALLON TANKS, DYED AUBURN HAIR WITH A BAD PERM AND GREY ROOTS, ANCIENT UNCHAINED EVIL, TINY SLAVES: THE ROAD TO RECOVERY, RITUALISTIC ANIMAL ABUSE BY THE ILLUMINATI, NO WIRE HANGERS EVER